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Monday, 03 April 2017 01:06

Why don't people want to progress in conversation with me?

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Behind the NeedI’m a quiet guy, but it seems like when someone starts a conversation with me, as soon as I talk they regret it. Its like I may not be giving them a good vibe or matching their energy.


Without actually observing you in conversation, there can be no definitive answer for you. And even then, it would be open to subjective and objective interpretation.

Let’s start off with what is known. You are a quiet guy. That more than likely means that you are a shy, introvert. That’s not a problem. It merely shows than you can benefit from some communication skills training. Many introverts are good conversationalists, as they tend to be better focussed on the conversation and the speaker than extroverts do.

You say ‘as soon as I talk they regret it.’ That is an observation on your part and may or may not be true. You may be picking up on the other’s body language. This can easily become a self-fulfilling prophesy. You expect the other person to react negatively to your conversation, so you subconsciously behave in a way that leads the other to react to you negatively. In turn, the other person senses your anxiety and they react in kind.

If this is the case, you need to break the pattern. At the basic level, you need to be comfortable with yourself. Any educational opportunities or experiential learning opportunities can add to your skills and experience, which in turn help to build your self-confidence.

Being a confident and effective conversationalist requires several interdependent skills.

1. You need to be a good listener. The old saying holds true … ‘you have two ears and only one mouth for a reason.’ Listening is not hearing. You need to be able to process what you are hearing. Far too many people listen for the purpose of developing a response, rather than seeking to understand.

2. You need to have something to talk about. A person that has no life experience or only has one topic that they can talk about is boring. Reading can be a solution to this. Expand upon your knowledge in areas you are interested in. Start talking to others about what you have learned. Read the newspaper or on-line media sources for current events. Develop your own opinion as to what you have read.

3. You need to actually talk to people. You don’t learn conversational skills by osmosis. You have to converse with someone.

If you are over the age of 18, I would suggest that you research to see if there is a local Toastmasters club. They can help you develop your speaking skills, both in public speaking and conversational, which in turn will help increase your self-confidence.

I have been a Toastmaster for over 23 years. Having heard thousands of speeches over the years, I am able to share what I have heard in conversation and seem credible.

It is within you to become a brilliant conversationalist. The first step is recognizing that you have a challenge with it. The next step is to do something about it.

Good luck and thanks for your question.

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Rae Stonehouse

Author Bio:

Rae A. Stonehouse is a Canadian born author & speaker. His professional career as a Registered Nurse working predominantly in psychiatry/mental health, has spanned four decades.

Rae has embraced the principal of CANEI (Constant and Never-ending Improvement) as promoted by thought leaders such as Tony Robbins and brings that philosophy to each of his publications and presentations.

Rae has dedicated the latter segment of his journey through life to overcoming his personal inhibitions. As a 20+ year member of Toastmasters International he has systematically built his self-confidence and communicating ability. He is passionate about sharing his lessons with his readers and listeners. His publications thus far are of the self-help, self-improvement genre and systematically offer valuable sage advice on a specific topic. He is a long-time member of Kelowna Flying Solo Toastmasters and is the driving force behind its long-term success. 

His writing style can be described as being conversational. As an author Rae strives to have a one-to-one conversation with each of his readers, very much like having your own personal self-development coach. Rae is known for having a wry sense of humour that features in his publications.

Author of Self-Help Downloadable E-Books:

Power Networking for Shy PeoplePower Networking for Shy People: Tips & Techniques for Moving from Shy to Sly!

PROtect Yourself!PROtect Yourself! Empowering Tips & Techniques for Personal Safety: A Practical Violence Prevention Manual for Healthcare Workers.

E=Emcee SquaredE=Emcee SquaredTips & Techniques to Becoming a Dynamic Master of Ceremonies.

Power of PromotionPower of Promotion: On-line Marketing for Toastmasters Club Growth


Phone Rae 250-451-6564 or

Rae’s social … are you?


Linkedin? Rae is

Copyright 2015 & 2016 Rae Stonehouse. The above document may be freely copied and distributed as long as the author’s name and contact info remain attached.

To learn more about Rae A. Stonehouse, visit the Wonderful World of Rae Stonehouse at http://raestonehouse.com

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